Prep Diaries: My Body Image Distortion

December 4, 2019

2:00 PM

As I mentioned before, there were a lot of things that I experienced while preparing for my bikini bodybuilding competition that I did not see coming. It’s funny how you really can't truly understand something until you experience firsthand.

My body image perception has changed drastically because of going through prep. And believe it or not, this perception was not the most positive.

Before the Beginning

When I began my fitness journey, the goal was always to lose body fat and feel good about what I saw in the mirror. I felt that I was doing ALL this work, eating SO healthy, yet I was still not seeing the results I wanted. It wasn’t until I started working with my coach that I did see the scale go down, and I decided to compete (see “Becoming a Duck (My Fitness Journey”).

And while my focus changed to attain a body for the stage, the ultimate goal remained the same; I wanted to lose body fat and feel good about myself.

Slowly but surely, the fat dropped. The weight was coming off, and I was continuously getting leaner and leaner. Throughout this whole time I would receive compliments from those around me (especially from strangers) that would say, “you’re looking so good! Keep it up!", etc.

And I felt good. I was happy with what I was seeing in the mirror and feeling more and more confident in myself.

I wasn’t satisfied, though. There was always something I could pick out that I wanted to change- particularly with my stomach.Yes, I was leaner, but I wanted to see more muscle here, lose more fat there. There was always something I could still work on no matter what anyone else said.

I was happy, but I wasn’t satisfied. Had to keep losing body fat.

"I was happy, but I wasn’t satisfied. Had to keep losing body fat."

The Change

I discovered that there is a point where admiring glances turn into looks of concern when losing weight. Instead of compliments, more and more I was questioned with “how much more do you think you’re going to lose? How much skinnier are you going to get?”.

Because I have always wanted to remain healthy during my prep, it was very unsettling when someone would ask me things like this. It made me second-guess myself like “SHOULD I get any leaner? Do I actually NEED to lose more weight?”. I trusted my coach 100% that she would get me ready for the stage, but it was my own thoughts questioning whether or not I actually WANTED to be stage lean.

But I continued on and continued to lose body fat until I was about 10 weeks out holding steady at 10% body fat.

Loss of Attraction

I was stage ready. I reached my goal! This was the leanest I had ever been in my life so you’d think this was the happiest I’d have ever been too, right? But I wasn’t...I was far from it. Losing weight for the stage caused me to look at my body not as something beautiful to be proud of, but as a structure continuously needing work.

I viewed every curve, every line with scrutiny and without appreciation. I did not see this new body of mine as attractive. I already lost what little chest I had a month into prep, and my glutes were just a means to an end...parts needed for a good score.

All feelings of beauty, attractiveness, and sexuality were gone.

I subconsciously wore baggier clothing to hide my body, and I would only look in the mirror to check on the state of my abs. It was getting colder outside as well, so no one would even think to question why I was wearing so many layers (I was also cold all the time, too, so that didn’t help).

It wasn’t until I had to get pictures done. The photographer asked me why I only brought loose clothing and it hit me...I didn’t find myself attractive anymore.

I went from not feeling attractive because I had ALL this body fat, to not feeling attractive because I was too lean! My body was just a flawed project that I would never be satisfied with.

"My body was just a flawed project that I would never be satisfied with."

Perception Today

Now that it has been about 9 weeks since my show, I am slowly starting to feel better about my body. I’m about 10 pounds above stage weight and have attained a much healthier body fat percentage.

I’d be lying if I said I was completely satisfied, though. I still struggle to not pinpoint areas that “need work” especially since I’m not as lean. I no longer have visible abs, I have less shoulder striations, and my glute/hamstring tie-in is holding on for dear life.

But you know what I DO have? I have confidence in myself again. I have my strength back, and I am HAPPY. I even started wearing bras again! Woot! Woot!

So raise your seltzer water with lime, you beautiful thing you…

...Here’s to Health. Cheers.