I'm Allowed to Eat.

1/25/22

6:30 AM

It’s been 3 months since I went on that fitness podcast and was given advice on how to increase my metabolism and better my relationship with food.

If you didn’t read my last blog, that advice was this:

-Stop weighing myself and my food

-Stop tracking calories and macros

-Stop doing cardio

It’s been an interesting three months to say the least. I have learned so much about myself and have made so many discoveries about my feelings toward food as well as what my body needs.

Month One

The first month of not tracking and not weighing was almost a blur of chaotic eating . What I mean by this is that my mind heard “don’t track” and responded with “eat everything in sight”. And I did. Cookies, hamburgers, cake…all the things I never would “allow” myself to eat before.

I still had this deprived mentality- I kept thinking if I don’t eat these things now, I won’t be able to eat them again.

And that’s the mentality that stemmed from my whole life. Certain foods that I restricted ending up being foods I would binge. I developed a bad relationship towards food because I would deem them “good” or “bad”.

But I digress…

Month one was a lot of lack of control and a lot of quick weight gain because of it. Don’t be fooled, I enjoyed all of the food and was making many memories with my boyfriend, friends and family, but I was not eating healthy.

And I was hungry ALL. THE. TIME.

It seemed that no matter how much I ate, I would still be hungry. Or, I would be hungry again within a few minutes after finishing.

I used those around me as gauges to whether or not I should continue to eat because I just didn’t know what was the "correct" thing to do…

Month Two

This ravenous appetite was the same going into month two, but because it was the holidays, I was able to overeat some without feeling like I had to get “permission” from those around me.

However, in this month, my cravings for “bad” food slightly decreased. I was starting to crave my chicken and broccoli again- just overall craved plain, healthy foods.

My strength dramatically increased this month as well. I was getting stronger almost every time I was in the gym and I felt amazing during each lifting session. My sleep was improving, I had more energy, and I was overall very happy in my social life.

But with all of these positives, this was still the hardest month I’ve experienced so far.

With the voice in my head screaming “EAT ALL THE FOOD” slowly fading away, the realization of the amount of weight I gained game to fruition.

But with all of these positives, this was still the hardest month I’ve experienced so far.

None of my jeans fit- none. The increased size of my back and shoulders made me feel like I looked like a linebacker in tight sweaters and there are many jackets that I can’t zip up now.

The one thing that did get bigger that I’m ok with, is my butt (*chef’s kiss*). Lol.

But my point is that the confidence in myself and my image had drastically dropped. I hated every picture taken of me because I could see the weight gain in just my face alone.

(Here is where I’d like to interject by saying that I have the best support system. My boyfriend, best friend, and mom, specifically, have been amazing listeners and supporters during all of this, and I truly don’t think I would’ve continued on this path without them so I owe them so many thanks.)

Month Three

Month three has by far been the best and most revealing month so far.

Instead of hating my body so much, I decided to accept the fact that this is what I’m working with and so I went shopping to buy clothes that actually fit me. What a game-changer it was to actually find jeans that enhanced my curves and felt comfortable instead of making me feel like a stuffed sausage.

(Please note that I still struggle daily with body image, but it’s not as strong as in month two.)

My food cravings did a 180 and I legit only want fruit and vegetables and meat. I hardly crave something sweet and when I do, I only have one or two and I’m satisfied. My deprived mentality has definitely declined because my body has slowly started to realize that it can get dessert or greasy food whenever it wants, but it’s not what it NEEDS.

I am finally able to listen and understand my body cues now. I intuitively know now when I don’t get enough protein or healthy fats in a meal and will eat what my body is telling me I need.

My digestion has never been better, and my hormones have also improved as I now have regular periods again.

A major realization I had halfway through month three, was that I don’t need permission from someone else to eat. I don’t need to look around and see if anyone else is getting seconds because it is MY body that is the one that’s still hungry. It was a slap in the face to me when I realized that it’s OK to be hungry and if I am hungry, it’s ok for me to eat!

It was a slap in the face to me when I realized that it’s OK to be hungry and if I am hungry, it’s ok for me to eat!

But the major thing that happened in this month was that my hunger drastically subsided. I can hardly finish meals that I would previously inhale and I find myself nibbling snacks rather than wanting one large meal.

As someone who’s a recovering binge eater, this is MAJOR. I have always wanted large meals in one sitting rather than picking at little snacks and I would never have left food on my plate before.

I also am ok if I don’t make it to the gym. I don’t feel like I HAVE to go any more, but rather that I go because I truly love weight-lifting.

Month Four

Going into month four, I’m excited to continue learning more about my body. I have decided that it is time to bring in another source to help my journey-- a therapist.

Because I still struggle with my body image and know one day I will want to slim down again, so I need to heal my mental health first to be able to do this the healthiest way possible.

While in the last three months, I feel that I’ve made great progress, I know that I have so much work to do. But I’m excited. I’m excited to peel back the layers and to truly, truly heal so that I can be the best woman, friend, daughter, Christian, partner I can be.

You're Not Alone

So to all those struggling with your own relationship with food and body image, just know that you are not alone and that while the journey is not easy, it is so incredibly worth it.

Here’s to you…

…Here’s to Health. Cheers.