The Road to Show: Binging Again?

January 30, 2020

5:30 PM

If you’ve been following me for a little or have read any of my previous blogs, you know that I have a history of disordered eating, specifically with binging. It’s actually what spurred me to begin and continue this blog after I realized that so many people have disordered eating, yet rarely talk openly about it.

Short Recap

When I began my first prep last year, I was struggling with binging episodes (see From Habit to Disorder). I was eating insane amounts of food late at night to sort of fill this void I felt in myself. And during prep, I was able to manage these binge cravings and didn’t have an episode at all (not one I remember anyways). This was because my ENTIRE focus was on that one competition.

After my show, however, I did struggle again. I struggled with my own body image, trying to have a “life”, and even more so, I struggled with not knowing what the heck my purpose was in life. With diet freedom returned that void or emptiness inside that I tried to fill with food.

It wasn’t until I threw myself into a “power-lifting” mentality at the gym and focused completely on my reverse dieting with my coach, that I was able to overcome these episodes again.

And Now

As I write this, I am currently 8 and a half weeks out from my show and have been back on prep for about four weeks. SO. How am I doing?

Well thank you for asking!

So far, this prep has been really super easy as far as diet goes. My calories are still relatively high which helps, but it’s my attitude towards food that has changed. I now see food as fuel; as a means to an end. What I put in my mouth is the KEY to my success in this upcoming show and that is the only thing I focus on now.

"As I write this, I am currently 8 and a half weeks out from my show and have been back on prep for about four weeks."

Do I still think about a McGriddle when driving by MacDonald's? Of course! I’m still human, but the difference is that I immediately think “that won’t help me towards my current goal, and I can always get one when I’m done”.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I love what I eat. I legit enjoy every single meal, and I think this has to do with the fact that not only do I make food that I like, but also that I’m LISTENING to my body and what it wants in the moment.

Listening to My Body

What I mean by this, is that if my body wants something sweet, I’m adjusting my next meal to be something sweet. If it wants something salty- you got it babe. Coming right up.Yes, I eat pretty much the same thing everyday, but I’m not being so restrictive as far as the order of my meals or when I eat what. I eat when I’m hungry; I stop when I’m full (but will finish that meal later...still need to fulfill my macros!)

The other thing I’m doing differently is making mindfulness a priority when eating. I purposely force myself to eat slow, set the fork down between bites, and actually chew and enjoy my food. Before, I would eat as fast as I could; basically swallowing the meal whole as if I’d never eat again.

Moving Forward

Now, this mentality could change as I get closer to the show and my macros become less and less. I could start having more cravings and dreams about donuts, but because I am more aware and more equipped, I’m confident that that’s all they’ll be; cravings and dreams.

I’ve done a TON of research on eating disorders, cravings, diets, and the overall competition mentality towards food. I just feel more prepared this time around. I feel an overwhelming sense of calmness when I think about my current relationship with food.

Wait...is this how it is to have a normal, HEALTHY, relationship with food?

I’m not 100% sure, but I’m 100% diggin’ it.

Raise those forks, my hungry feigns, now put them down and enjoy that bite…

Here’s to Health. Cheers.