Sarah's Story

November 12, 2021

6:13 AM

I witnessed a suicide the other day.

Although equally terrible, it wasn’t as graphic as one might think. There wasn’t any blood, no shooting, or hanging, or overdosing. It happened right in front of me, and I did nothing to prevent it.

Back when I was on prep, I would go to the gym every morning at 5:30 AM to do my fasted cardio. I did this every day during the week and then on Saturdays, I would be there when the gym opened at 8 AM.

And every day, there would be a girl there also doing cardio. Let’s call her Sarah.

Every day, Sarah would be in the parking lot running laps.

Then she would be on the elliptical.

And then she would end her cardio routine on the stairmaster.

Sometimes I would see her using the weight machines, but I never ONCE saw her miss a cardio session.

Now, I know as a bodybuilder, it’s extremely hard to maintain an hour of cardio or more every day. The rigorous routine on top of the extreme dieting is one of the most challenging things I’ve done so a part of me admired this girl’s unfailing motivation.

But Sarah was not a bodybuilder.

You see, underneath the oversized hoodie she always wore, Sarah was a vision of skin and bones. And I don’t mean that she was skinny; I mean she was literally so thin that she had no ounce of fat on her.

She was so thin that you could see every vein and every bone. There was no depiction of visible muscle. It was almost like since there wasn’t any fat or muscle, the veins ran so close together that her skin had a slight blue “tinge” to it.

Her cheeks were so sunken in with her eyes appearing too large for her face- not unlike that of a human skull.

Sarah was so thin that it was hard to even comprehend how her body was able to perform the cardio she put it through.

I feel that I should pause to make it absolutely clear to you, the reader, that I am in no way providing a description of her to criticize her. This is a woman I saw every day that was visibly sick and no description can even begin to describe the severity of her physical condition...

Then one afternoon I saw her walking around my neighborhood. And then I saw her again. And again.

And I quickly realized, not only does she do her hours of cardio in the morning, Sarah also walks for miles throughout the day.

One day while at the gym, I was watching her from afar thinking about how sad her situation was and if there was any way to provide help. A friend of mine who’s a trainer at the gym approached me, and I asked him if he had ever spoken to her before- maybe offered to train her even.

He replied saying he hasn’t, but in the three years of him working at this gym, he has not seen her miss a single day of working out.

I teared up, explaining to him my own history of eating disorders and how seeing her made me just so, so sad…

So I decided to devise a plan to help. One way or another, I was going to see if there was something I could do.

You see, Sarah was suffering from anorexia nervosa; the second deadliest mental health disorder after an opioid overdose (ANAD.org).

If you’ve never seen the movie on Netflix, “To the Bone”, I highly recommend it as it depicts so clearly how this disease truly kills its victims. It shows how it affects not only the person suffering, but those around them and how it’s so much more than them “not eating”.

Victims of anorexia have the most extreme case of compulsiveness and obsession. Their routine is everything and any changes can cause them to become even sicker. They may push everyone away and become isolated to lower the risk of anyone changing their routine and offering help.

For more information on the statistics and definition of this disorder, I encourage you to go to the https://anad.org/eating-disorders-statistics/ website for more information.

A big takeaway I want to also note is that anyone suffering from an eating disorder can only truly receive help if they themselves want it. They cannot be forced. Yes, they may become so weak and undernourished that they have to be forced to go to a hospital where they are “fed” through an IV, but that’s only a temporary physical fix.

The victim has to be willing to get help with their mental state- the most challenging and scary thing they could do.

So- how was little ole me going to provide help? By slowly becoming her friend. God willing, I decided that I would slowly become more and more friendly to her, slowly gain her trust, and slowly implement myself into this routine of hers. My thinking was that once she was used to me being in her life, I could then figure out a possible way to get her the help she truly needed.

And one day, God provided me with an opportunity.

It was a hot summer afternoon when I myself was out walking around the neighborhood, and walking towards me was Sarah. I thought, ‘This is it! My chance at an introduction!’.

So as she got closer, I smiled and stopped her to say, “You go to my gym right?”.

Now, my naive mind thought that she would be quiet and antisocial; that she wouldn’t even want to engage at all, and that I would have to work really hard to have a conversation.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Yes, I do! I’ve definitely seen you before there.”, she said with a big warm smile.

“Yes, I’m there doing my cardio as well”, I laughed. I continued the conversation by asking if she lived around the area (she did) and what she did for a living. She worked remotely and loved to go for walks to “warm-up” and clear her head.

It was amazing to me how...for lack of a better word...normal she was. It truly blew my mind.

We parted ways with me mentioning that maybe we could walk together one day, to which she agreed.

YES. Phase one was done.

The next phase was to implement myself even more so every morning when I saw her, I said hello and would try to engage in any kind of conversation.

I found out that she was actually from this area, and that her family was only 20 minutes away. Instead of being relieved by this news, it made me sad because to me it meant that her family sees her suffering from this disease, yet have not been able to help her. I knew I had my work cut out for me, but I also knew that God would make a way if it was in His plan.

I wish I could say that my plan worked. I wish I could say that I slowly became a good friend of Sarah’s and that she would get used to me being in her life and that I eventually got her to get help, but God did not have that in the cards for me…

About two months after our first engagement, I was at the gym doing my morning cardio when I saw Sarah. She was on the stairmaster, like usual, but she looked...terrible. She looked even thinner if that was possible. The circles under her eyes were so dark, they appeared black, and her whole entire body seemed transparent. I still smiled and said hello, but she barely seemed to see me.

The next day, she wasn’t at the gym.

Or the next day.

Or the next.

Or the day after that.

After a week of me not seeing her, I eventually asked my trainer friend if he had seen her, thinking there was a chance she was coming at a different time. He told me that he hadn’t. He then mentioned how the last time he saw her, how she looked even sicker, and I said I felt the same.

Life became insane for me after that. I was traveling all over and months had gone by since I was able to do my usual morning cardio. The thought of Sarah was pushed back as my own life steamed ahead.

Three months went by before I was able to ask my trainer friend if he had seen her at all while I was gone.

He hadn’t.

When he told me this, I immediately thought the worst- that the disease had finally become too strong for Sarah to fight off. I just felt in my gut that this was the case, but not knowing her last name, I couldn’t find anything on her to confirm.

I decided to hope for the best-case scenario and that was that she was in a facility somewhere getting treatment and THAT’S why she wasn’t at the gym.

And every time after that I’d look for her, almost hoping I wouldn’t see her because in my mind, that meant she was getting better. I tried to picture her healthy and prayed that my image was reality.

Then one day my trainer friend pulled me aside, and I knew what he was about to say…

Sarah had passed away.

Even though I knew all along this was the case, it still felt like someone kicked me in the stomach when he told me.

I was filled with so many emotions- am filled with these emotions. Sadness, of course. Deep and gut-wrenching sadness that this happened to her; that this horrid disease took another life.

Guilt because I felt that I somehow should have tried harder to help her since I could see what was happening right in front of me.

And anger.

So much anger because HOW could this happen? How could her family let this happen? How could so many people see her and not offer help? Or force her to get help?

What’s crazy to me is that I think and feel these things knowing what I said before- those suffering can only receive help if THEY want it themselves. But still...HOW did this happen??

And how insanely evil is this disease?

Just imagine that every cell in Sarah’s body was SCREAMING at her to survive. To eat. To stop moving. To rest. And yet the disease in her mind refused to let her. Her own mind betrayed her and her body into thinking she was broken and it caused her to literally kill herself.

What kind of torture she must have been in... All alone dealing with this while she slowly wasted away.

There is no way to comprehend the pain she must have been in...there is no way to relate or have a clue to what she went through.

There is only the consolation that she is at peace now. I pray that she is with God, healthy and strong, and feeling so unbelievably happy and loved by our Father’s side.

I know that God put Sarah into my life for a reason, and while I may not have helped her, and while I have tears in my eyes as I write this, I feel more driven than ever to use her story as motivation to help as many people as I can.

I have no idea how, but I know that I didn’t meet her without God having a plan.

Because Sarah is one of the thousands who die from anorexia nervosa every year.

In today’s society that focuses so much on body image and food and the state of one’s outside appearance, we need to take a stand and FIGHT this negativity and PROMOTE the importance of mental health. We need to help each other. We need to be kind and show love and spread the word of God’s mercy. We need to raise our children in His grace and let them know that they are more than what they look like.

I pray that God uses me to spread the story of Sarah’s death as a way to help more victims of these terrible diseases. I pray that in any way possible, no matter how small, I rise to the occasion and am strong enough to do His will.

My heart goes out to Sarah’s family and friends, and anyone who is currently suffering. You’re not alone. You are loved. God loves you and his love is never-ending.

Source: https://anad.org/