Losing a Friend

December 15, 2019

8:30 AM

With my best friend on show day.

Now that it’s deep into the holiday season, one thing that’s been on my mind more is the value of relationships. The holidays are a great time to be reminded of the loved ones in your life, and they provide a great opportunity to show your appreciation for them.

The holidays, however, are also a time we’re reminded of the relationships we lost; the people that we no longer keep in touch with.

Being the Dumpee

I’m sure at one point or another, we all have been dumped. We all have had our hearts broken mainly by a significant other, and we all know it’s one of the worst feelings in the world.

But what about when we’re dumped by a best friend? By someone who was once there for you, through the good and the bad, and then one day they’re not? It’s awful.

And it’s hard to not take it personal...you may start to think “what’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong?” But sometimes it really isn’t about you. Maybe that friend is going through their own changes in life, and they’re headed in a direction that you can’t follow. We are all on our own journey in life, and sometimes the path that you and a friend are on just don’t match anymore.

If someone decides they no longer want to be your friend, this may also be a great opportunity to look inward and see if there was something that you could have done differently or something you may need to work on for future friendships. Maybe you weren’t giving enough. Maybe you were TOO available causing you to be too needy. Who knows.

And maybe it actually IS them and not you.

Being the Dumper

So what about if YOU are the one who has decided to end the friendship? This may be even harder than being dumped because you know you're going to hurt their feelings as well as lose someone in your life.

"But how do you know when it’s time to let go?"

Again, as we grow and develop, our priorities and goals change in life. We are constantly evolving and sometimes friends are just not evolving with us. A friend that was once a support, can now feel like a burden. If this “friend” is providing negative energy, causing stress, not being supportive, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship.

Example: Your friend likes to party and drink every weekend, but you now like to spend your weekends relaxing or hiking. That’s fine! That doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you or your friend; you just have different priorities.

I believe a friendship should be a constant balance of give and take, and it should be one that provides joy and happiness for both parties involved. A friend is someone who’s there to celebrate and enjoy life with while also being a shoulder to lean on when needed.

Of course, every friendship is different, and there will be times when a friend needs more support than normal. It is when there is no change in their behavior and it starts affecting your well-being when the relationship may need to be re-evaluated. There’s a difference when a friend starts to require too much support, and constantly takes without being there for you in return.

How to End a Friendship

Before deciding to cut ties, really make sure you’ve done all you can. Again, you don’t know what someone could be going through that could also be putting strain on the friendship.

If after major consideration, it’s decided this friendship is causing more harm than grace, the best way to end it is with any breakup; talk to them. Be honest. Explain how we are all constantly changing and that you don’t feel you’re on the same path anymore.

"...you don’t know what someone could be going through that could also be putting strain on the friendship..."

Try not to say “because you do XYZ, I don’t want to be your friend anymore”. You don’t want that person to feel worthless or like there’s something wrong with them. And who knows! Maybe after some time apart, you’ll find yourselves friends again.

I would finish the conversation by making it 100% clear to them that you wish them nothing but the best. Again, they didn’t do anything wrong*; you just are no longer compatible.

*This is assuming they actually DIDN’T do anything to hurt you...if so, that’s a little different situation.

Moving On

At the end of the day, it will work out. Time will pass and wounds will heal. People come into our lives for a specific reason, so whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, a lesson learned is another opportunity to grow.

So raise your bourbon (going strong today), ladies and gents…

...Here’s to Health. Cheers.