Imposter Syndrome?

It’s kind of crazy where life takes you…in one moment you’re single, figuring out who you are, and then next you’re going to a music festival to find your future husband.

Life’s crazy.

But it’s so full of ups and downs, highs and lows, yet all of it is a blessing.

To become someone who is adored and loved by another is a feeling that is so hard to explain. I don’t think I truly thought I would find that person who would know me inside out and backwards because honestly, I didn’t think I could ever truly be completely myself around someone.

See, I was never that “warm and fuzzy” person that everyone is drawn to; I was always the one that felt pre-judged, always sized up, and automatically put into a box because of what I looked like.

And on top of that, I couldn’t figure out how to filter the words that I spoke or to self-examine my thoughts and feelings to understand who the heck I even was.

I think a part of me thought that I would never have a huge group of friends, I’d never have the “perfect” family, or find that “perfect” man.

Because who could really love the real me?

And then a few years ago, when my life seemed like a terrible movie, God used that moment to change my life forever.

After deciding to forgive all, who and what was happening, the Holy Spirit entered me and my life changed.

Granted, it wasn’t an instant change. I felt a shift in my soul but it took time for that shift to reach the other aspects of my life.

That shift caused a lot of continued heartache, too. I had to go through a season of “pruning”- getting rid of people I thought were friends and I had to become very selfish.

I call this a season of selfishness because I completely, 100% chose myself over and over again. I had to. I had to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. Luckily for me, no matter how much I focused on myself, I still had a few people who chose to stay in my life.

I think relationships are always a give and take, but during this time, I was just taking.

But this time was needed. I worked so much on myself, found myself, and it resulted in me starting my relationship with Christ.

You see, when you take away the distractions, when you quiet the noise you use to fill voids, when you TRULY face those demons you’ve been hiding away, you see the times in your life where God was always there.

He was there even when I was too proud to see. He was there in the moments where I saw only darkness and He was there when I didn’t even know where I was.

And slowly, I started creating the life I always dreamed of. Actually, I feel like I didn’t do anything myself. I thought I was in control; I thought I was the one deciding what or what not to do, but in reality, God was the real one in control.

I thought I was the one that decided to attend a music festival but it was by God’s guidance that the opportunity even arose to begin with.

And it was by God’s guidance that I met my now fiancé there. It was Him that caused me to get a new job that pays for the life I have now. It was because of God that I made the move to Chicago, and it was by God’s guidance that I am writing this today.

You see, now that I am in this stage where I am so happy I could burst, it’s easy for me to look back and know that none of this was my plan.

While I very much dislike the term “imposter syndrome”, it’s exactly how I feel. Like what did I do to be this happy?? How did I deserve this??

And the truth is that I didn’t do anything. I don’t deserve this. And knowing that is why I cry every time I think about the blessings I have now.

I wish talking about these things didn’t sound so much like bragging- or that people would perceive it as so.

Because it’s not.

I want my life to be a representation of what God’s love does for us.

He took me, someone who relied so much on the outside body image and sexual sin to feel “worthy”, to a place of pure happiness living a life with Him.

I also wish that being a Christian didn’t have such a bad connotation to it. “Bible banger” I’m probably called. Or hypocrite.

Funny, I used to think the same way too. How could these people (Christians) be so happy and friendly all the time? They MUST be faking it!

But no. If I could grant one wish, it would be for everyone to feel the genuine love that the Lord provides because if that love was felt by all, this world would be a much better place.

I don’t even know where I was going with this or why I felt compelled to write it, but I just feel that sometimes we are pressed to do something for reasons we may never know.

Maybe someone reading this will be moved to take a closer look at the God we are all searching for, maybe this can be a message of hope.

Or maybe this will cause enough eye rolls to make one dizzy.

Whatever the case, I hope the message is clear; we don’t need to EARN love because the Lord loves and embraces us and provides for us no matter what we might have done. We are never alone, we are never lost, for we have a God who cares more than we could ever imagine.

Here's to Health